Undone.

I haven't written for a long time. 4 years, 3 years, maybe that long - i put blogging down for one main reason. literally. Past blogging were hurtful times - pouring out of emotions without a halt and was just a free flowing thinking of whatever my emotions speak. I am afraid to to be that writer again. I literally turned my back on it. I have had a few different blogs before and those were my immature days. Gone were those days. I had moved on and faced a new, different chapter in my life i thought i would never have to hold. By God's grace. By His loving hands and a few people in my life who truly loved me and supported me in prayers. Oh well, you might be thinking "huh? what were those days?" Days of immaturity and days of molding my character. Terrible. But i have won that battle because of Jesus =..)

And i am undone yet. I mean, i have overcome those part in my life of quarter life crisis and all. But i am undone yet spiritually speaking - there are still many things that need to be refined - character building is not at all once in a lifetime. It is a continuous process of failing, learning, overcoming and maturing - in different seasons of time and in different life stages. I have just entered a 3rd decade in this life, quite different from being a teenager and exploring the world of career and all. This age is more focused on looking up to the next hype of career - all stability mindset. No jokes. No experiments. No chances. No going back to the old ways of planning immaturely. It is all wise thinking now. Stability. I don't mean to say this is applicable to everyone who is at this age. I don't know. I cannot speak for everyone. But for me who is young and fresh in this stage of life, i see it this way. Because i feel and think of it this way. I am more time conscious, career conscious, goal oriented. And nobody can put me down. No one. Haha. I cannot be fooled anymore. Do not play games with me. I won't even dare listen - not even a word from you if i discern you grabbing something from what i have or observe you  taking advantage of me . Haha. This is just the way i think now. Gone were the days of being "S". S? Try to google research the DISC personalities so you would know. I am too lazy to explain each, it would take me another entry to do so. Haha :)

Now why i am writing, all of sudden - what could have triggered me to write down words from my soul again. A silent "whew" for that. It is just that i am going through some heart challenges that is quite unbearable. Funny that i am this emotional because i have not been too emotional after a few years of not blogging anymore. And for sometimes that i went through some turmoils in life in the process, i had faced them all with so much strength to handle, strong that i had not to tell anyone for help but God alone. And i could move on with courage. Still standing. But these past few days, something came up that my heart could not bear. Forgive me for sharing a little bit now of my emotions but i suspect not so many know this blog at all. And most of my entries are not publicized in FB. And NO. I am not linking up this one. XD This is just me and myself writing, talking, expressing. If somebody gets to stumble upon this entry, that person could be one of the kapwa bloggers posted on the right side of this blog site. They are the only ones who actually know this blog and not all would by chance think of visiting this everyday. Haha. So this entry is just a gasp of air. Here today, on the main page. Gone tomorrow and thrown into the archives, no one would ever think to read or browse. Haha :) Unless someone is interested to look though :) Be quiet if that is you. lol.

Well........these days. I have been literally quiet. I changed my FB name. I had my hair cut. I watched a movie alone. I was very quiet in FB. And still quiet now. I put some space between me and the world for awhile. Well, i am unsure if this is for awhile since i am still going through it. I could not even decipher when this will be over. Pain could not be measure how long it will last unless there is a quick medication for this like paracetamol or ointment. The difference is that, this pain is not a physical pain. It is an invisible pain. Being quiet has just been my only defense to breathe. Sad but my heart also refused to look at Him for aide. My heart is too proud to seek anyone's companion. I only wanted me and this pain. Maybe for awhile. Or maybe, because, i think that i can manage this alone. I will process this alone. I need to process this alone. And if i am over with processing, then maybe, i am ready to talk to Him. And talk to Him again like a child. I hope soon. I want Him soon. It will come soon. I will.

Now this entry is getting long, i did not even notice a lot of words are already shared. I am afraid to move on a little further. I am not yet ready. But I hope that soon i will be able to write again. That one thing. I would stop here now and leave you hanging in a few more days. Hopefully not too long. I could not tell when. But i will when i am triggered again to write about that one thing. There is a silent turmoil going on around, people do not even notice. Whew. I am surprised. I just expressed myself. I wrote. Literally!

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